{So here you are, in your small little world, kept up like a little precious virgin girl}

{Sunday}

We went out shopping at nine and I moved up in sizes. Size 8, long. SIZE FUCKING EIGHT. My thighs are huge, everything jiggles, when I stretch the skin on my legs I can see all the little ripples of fat, I can't believe how much I ate yesterday, fuck fuck fuck it all.

I got four pairs of pants, none of them look good on me and it's fucking hard to zip some of them up, and oh-my-fucking-god, my ASS. My ASS is HUGE. It's all round and flat and it's just DISGUSTING.
And my shirts fit. Never, ever, not since summer have medium-sized shirts fit. They always had extra room, around the waist and the arms and they would hang on me. And my arms, my arms are fucking sausages, they are huge, if you could see them you'd scream, they are fucking HUGE.

We went out to eat at a buffet, I had a yellow plate and I used one spoon and I got diet coke in a medium-sized jar and I had one serving spoon full of rice, mashed potatoes, and fries. White, white, yellow. And I poured salt on everything, salt tastes so good. Had a bite of everything, constantly shaking my leg, looked out the window and ignored everything. Then my mom asked me if that was all I was eating, I said yeah, she said no, I paid for this, thirty-two dollars, you are going to eat more than that. I shook my head. She asked me to go make ice cream for my brothers. No, I can't be near ice cream. I shook my head. I can't have ice cream until my thighs are twenty inches around, each leg, again. She tried to nudge my leg, I just stared out the window. I took all of the Sweet N Low packets they had, and an extra package of saltine crackers, just in case I got hungry or we needed them or something.

After that, she didn't mention it when we got in the car and went to two more stores before we went home.
Then my stepdad came over, and they ate burgers and I said no, I couldn't help it, I wanted to taste something really bad, I hate myself for this, I hate it, I really do.
I ate two fucking burgers, 510 calories each, 1020 calories ONE THOUSAND AND TWENTY FUCKING CALORIES.

I hate this, I fucking hate this, I'm so fat, why would I add more fat to this skin, I want to rip it off and cut off all the fat and muscle and sew it back on.